Which Witch is Which?
by Bungaroon
Summary: Shinning Star Lily Dee Lemon is just trying to get by as a secret mermaid. Enter James Potter. Hot, dumb, and utterly confusing. Join Lily as she battles an anonymous adversary, struggles to keep her deepest secret, and falls in love with the last person she ever thought she would. (Hint: It's James)
1. Chapter 1: Meet Lily

Note: This is a parody fic that I wrote on a whim. I'm kind of way too obsessed with Jily and the Marauders, and this is definitely not how I see any of the characters in this fic. Rated M for language mostly; there's nothing too graphic. Also, I apologize in advance for whatever grammar mistakes I haven't been able to find. I have no doubt that they exist.

Disclaimer: I've always thought that these were kind of stupid, because if a story is on this site, then you know that it's fanfiction, which doesn't belong to the person writing it, but I don't want to be sued.

J.K. Rowling owns the characters and parts of the plot that sound familiar.

The lovely author, waterrain owns the name Shinning Star Lily Dee Lemon, it was a nickname for Lily that I found in her (I assume she's a girl, but i don't know) fic, what no one see's.

The name, Which Witch is Which, belongs to Scooby Doo.

Also, I had recently read My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie when I wrote this, and it inspired me, so there might be a few things that are similar to My Immortal.

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Meet Lily**

My name is Shinning Star Lily Dee Lemon, but most people call me Lily. I have waist-length shinning, red hair; that's where I get my name. I'm secretly a mermaid, except I'm not ugly and scaly like those bitches in the lake. In fact, you could say I look exactly like Ariel from _The Little Mermaid_.

Yesterday, something really weird happened.

I woke up and literally climbed out of my waterbed. I had to rip it open, unfortunately, because the zipper got stuck and the only way to get out was to tear it apart with my fingernails. Now I have to get a new one, which is even more unfortunate because not a lot of stores stock waterbeds that have zippers on the inside.

Later, I was on my way to the cafeteria to eat breakfast with my best friend, Mimi. We've been friends ever since first year because one day, I went down to the great lake to swim because I'm a mermaid, and I saw Mimi swimming down there too! It turns out we're both mermaids and every Sunday, we go to mermaid church together in the great lake.

Anyway, while I was going to breakfast, I was stabbed in the back!

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This was a very short chapter, I know, but if i could get a couple reviews if anybody ever reads this I would be so happy that I would have a heart attack and never get to finish the story, so please do that. Let me know if you liked it, let me know if you hated it, just talk to me, please!


	2. Chapter 2: The Problems with Nudity

Note: Okay, so this one isn't that long either. In fact, I suppose none of them are. I just don't really have the stamina to write anything longer than 5,000 words. *Sigh*

Anyways, this story is already complete, so I'll just update it whenever I have it in me to force my lazy ass to do so. Sound good? Wait, no one's even reading this...

Disclaimer: Everything familiar isn't mine. For more detail, see chapter 1

* * *

 **Chapter 2: The Problems with Nudity**

I woke up a few hours later in Nurse's office, and I left.

I was still hungry, so I climbed through a secret hole in the wall.

I crawled until I found the taco that I had left there the other day.

When I was done, I realized that I was naked because I forgot to put on clothes this morning.

How embarrassing!

I decided to follow the tunnel because I didn't know where it let out and I couldn't let anyone see my beautiful, naked body!

I walked for several hours until I finally reached the end of the passage. I opened the door. I was in… the boy's dormitory!

All three Marauders stared at my beautiful, naked body. Luckily, I use a spell to give me legs instead of a tail, so they don't know I'm a mermaid, but still! Those perverts!

I shrieked at all of them before ripping Lupin's shirt off of his body, using it to cover my own, and running away.

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Note: Oh, Lily. You saucy minx! What will you get into next?


	3. Chapter 3: A Sexy Evening

Note: I feel kind of silly calling my author's notes "Notes" but I don't think I've earned the right to call myself an author yet...

Okay, so this is the only iffy chapter...Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Anything remotely familiar or just overall decent probably doesn't belong to me, but for more information, see chapter 1

* * *

 **Chapter 3: A Sexy Evening**

Later, I was in the shower, because apparently, crawling around naked in gross, old tunnels makes you very dirty.

I used some of my favorite soap and was thoroughly enjoying my shower when suddenly… the shower curtain was torn back and I gasped.

Standing before me was… James Potter! And he was naked! I gasped again because his penis was so big that it touched his knees.

Oh, whoops! I forgot to mention that we are Head Boy and Head Girl and we share a dormitory, which is how he was able to get into the bathroom.

"Lily," James said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I want you," he told me. I could tell by the lust in his eyes that he was telling the truth. "I saw your beautiful, naked body and I couldn't get it off my mind," he said in a sexy, deep voice. "Have sex with me!" he demanded.

I was going to say no, but he had a really pretty penis, so I said, "Okay."

We had shower sex and now I'm not a virgin anymore.

* * *

Note: This chapter, and this entire story really, isn't intended to make some sort of statement, I just started writing it one day because it was fun and my science teacher is boring. I hope none of this offends anyone, but it shouldn't because I wasn't trying to be offensive.

If anyone happens to come across this story, Hello! You should read this and let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4: Bad News

Note: I really hate how short these chapters are, but what can you do?

Oh, wait, silly me. I could just write longer chapters.

Disclaimer: People much more talented than I own pretty much everything you that you see here.

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Bad News**

After that, he left and I went down to dinner.

I remembered to put clothes on this time, though.

Mimi was waiting for me at our usual place in the cafeteria.

I sat down, unsure if I should tell her about my sexy evening, but I didn't have to decide, because at that moment, Mr. Dumbledore, the principal, stood up with an announcement.

"Hello, children," he began. "In two months, there will be a Christmas Ball!"

Everyone cheered, including me and Mimi. Mr. Dumbledore held up his hands for silence.

"Also, James Potter and Shinning Star Lily Dee Lemon, the Head Boy and Girl will be in charge of planning it."

'Oh no,' I thought. 'Now I'll have to spend a time alone with James – I mean Potter!'

* * *

Note: Uh-oh, will Lily finally be forced to realize her strong feelings for James?

In other news, I've been updating this rather fast, and this is still the first fic that I've put on this site, so I'm not really expecting anyone to read this, but if you are, GIVE ME A SIIIIIIIIGN HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

I was just going to leave it at that, but I felt the need to clarify that that was a joke because, like, "Let me know you're there, give me a sign," which reminded me of Hit Me Baby One More Time by Britney Spears. Idk it's just that I felt that could be interpreted very badly.


	5. Chapter 5: Quite the Ordeal

Note: Heyyyyy this one's slightly longer! Are you proud of me?

Disclaimer:

Things I do not own: These characters, this setting, socks without holes in them, a _nice_ cat *cough Rembrandt, why don't you love me cough*

Things I do own: A TARDIS alarm clock, a large, inflatable duck, some really nice sheets

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Quite the Ordeal**

The next morning, Potter and I held a prefect's meeting regarding the ball.

Snape was there because he's a prefect, and he was acting really weird.

While I was talking to one of the Ravenclaw prefects, he ripped out a chunk of my hair. "What the fuck?" I stated, but he was already running away.

Later, while I was in Potions class, Mr. Slughorn, the teacher, asked me to stay back after class. When the bell rang, I waited until everyone left, before walking over to Mr. Slughorn, who was waving goodbye to his students from the from the doorway. I coughed loudly, catching his attention.

"Oh, yes, Ms. Dee Lemon," he said, stepping closer to me.

"Or should I call you Lily?" He continued seductively, still inching towards me.

"What?" I asked, bewildered.

Mr. Slughorn merely rolled his eyes, "Oh, Come on. Don't pretend you haven't noticed this… Thing between us."

I was still very confused and a bit disturbed. "What thing?" I asked.

"The sexual tension, child!" He practically shrieked.

I shook my head, backing towards the door slowly and then I made a run for it.

I ran all the way back to my old dormitory, where I found Mimi. I told her about Mr. Slughorn. She was wildly disturbed, and tried to convince me to tell Mr. Dumbledore, but I don't think I will. It was really traumatizing and I just want to put it behind me.

Later, I was walking down to the cafeteria for dinner when I was stabbed in the back! Again!

* * *

Note: I apologize once again if my making light of darker things offends anyone, because that is not my attention. This story is so spontaneous and unplanned, like, seriously. I wrote whatever the hell popped into my head and just went with it.


	6. Chapter 6: The Confusion Commences

Note: If/when a few people are reading this fic, I have no idea if you imaginary people will even read my notes. I hate to admit it, but I skip author's notes sometimes. I feel bad about it, but sometimes I'm just like, "That's nice, show me the Jily"

Disclaimer: There is cat saliva all over my hand. Also, I own nothing, J.K. owns everything. Need I go on?

* * *

 **Chapter 6: The Confusion Commences**

I woke up and Nurse was standing over me frowning. "You a bad child," she told me. "You left without permission and now you been stabbed in the exact same place. You a bad child." Nurse walked away.

I left Nurse's office only to find… Mr. Slughorn. He was leaning against the wall holding a bouquet of flowers. "Lily, darling, I hadn't seen you since our… sex rendezvous, and when you weren't in my class yesterday, I went looking for you. Then I heard you were in here…"

Wait a minute? Did he just say I wasn't in his class yesterday? Yes I was. Does he not remember his creepy coming on to me? And what the fuck does he mean by 'sex rendezvous'?

"What day is it?" I asked him.

"Why it's Halloween, of course! Why else would I be dressed as a pedophile?"

I just looked at him. But then I remembered what else he had said. I had been out for five days! Slughorn kept going on about the sex we'd had, but I figured he was high, so I ignored him.

* * *

Note: Omg what's going on? I can't believe that Lily was unconscious for that long! Just kidding I know everything

Also, I'm wayyyy to proud of my pedophile joke. It's moments like these where I'm paradoxically proud and disappointed with myself simultaneously.


	7. Chapter 7: The Confusion Continues

Note: This one is slightly longerrrr Yay! It's kind of boring, though. Oh well. And just a reminder, if anyone wants to review this or favorite it, I will be eternally grateful. Just ask Jilyfan33, my favorite person ever, simply because they clicked the favorite button on my story. THANKS, BOO!

Disclaimer: I don't really feel like coming up with anything "clever" right now, so let's keep this short. I own nothing, J.K. owns everything.

* * *

 **The Confusion Continues**

I decided to go find Mimi. Surely she would fill me in on what I had missed during these past few days.

In the hallway, I passed James Potter. He glared at me and muttered, "Bitch."

What? That was weird.

Moving on, I continued to the common room where I saw Peter. He let out a horrified (and maybe revolted?) squeak when he saw me, before running away. That was weird too.

When at last I reached the seventh year girl's dormitory, Mimi was the only occupant. "Thank the heavenly mermen," I began. "I am having the weirdest day."

Mimi ignored me. "Mimi?" I asked. No response.

"What's going on!" I wailed. "The last thing I remember is being stabbed in the back. Again. And then, suddenly, I'm told that I've been unconscious for five days and now everyone is being so weird!"

Mimi finally turned to look at me, confusion etched upon her non-scaly mermaid face. "What do you mean you've been out unconscious for five days?" she asked.

"I mean that I woke up in Nurse's office and found out that it was Halloween, which was five days after my last day of consciousness."

"But that's not right," Mimi told me. "The other day, I saw poor Peter stumbling around in shock, and when I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he had walked in on you having sex with Mr. Slughorn. I freaked out and went to find you, because after his advances the other day, I was worried he had raped you or something. But then when I found you, you told me it was consensual and that you had 'always wanted to make love to Horace,' whatever that means. Then we got into a fight."

I just stared at her until something clicked. "Wait a minute." I said. "Mr. Slughorn said something about how he had sex with me earlier, but I ignored him because I figured he was high."

Something very fishy was going on here, and I was going to find out what.

* * *

Note: Poor confused Lily! What _is_ going on? Ha. Ha ha ha. HAHAHAHA. HA.


	8. Chapter 8: This Seems Familiar

Note: Chapter 8 out of 12. That, my friends, is what I call progress! I also have a sequel, which I will begin to upload soon as I finish with this one. So stick around, my imaginary fans.

Disclaimer: Joanne Rowling owns Lily, James, Dumbledore, Slughorn, Remus, Sirius, Hogwarts, and many other things referenced in this story.

* * *

 **Chapter 8: This Seems Familiar...**

Without another word, I ran up to the seventh year boy's dormitory to access my secret wall hole. I threw the door open and was surprised to find… James Potter! And he was naked!

"Lily?" he asked, and I could tell by the confusion in his voice that he was confused. I was going to just push past him and go in to his wall as a payback for calling me a bitch earlier for no reason, but then I realized that he had called me a bitch earlier for no reason.

"Wait. Potter. You called me a bitch earlier. Why?"

At this, he looked even more confused. "What do you mean? Do you not remember what happened the last time that we spoke? It was literally yesterday."

I rolled my eyes. James was so stupid. "No, James," I said. "I've been unconscious in Nurse's office for five days, but you're the fourth person with a memory of me during that span of time, so now I am investigating." I told him all of this very slowly so that I wouldn't confuse him too much more.

"Oh," he said.

"Okay then," I began. "Now I need you to tell me what happened yesterday."

He nodded blankly. "Well, I went looking for you because I wanted to have sex, but then you yelled at me and smacked me."

"Is that all? I asked.

He nodded blankly. Then, we had normal sex, and now I've had sex twice. James may be dumb, but he's also hot.

After that, I crawled through my wall tunnel, and a few hours later, I popped out on the other end, only to find someone waiting for me. It was…James!

"I wanted to help you," he told me, and it was so sweet that I couldn't help but have wall sex with him.

Now I've had sex three times!

* * *

Note: Friendly reminder, I love James and Lily very much, but not this James and Lily. Speaking of which, who else hates Lily right now? God, she's so awful. It only gets worse, trust me.


	9. Chapter 9: Nurse is Such a Bitch

Note: Mmmm this chapter is shorrrrt. The next chapter is even shorter, I think. Chapter 11 is decent sized, and chapter 12 is the longest!

Disclaimer: If you like the story, that's probably because I stole the characters and setting from J.K. Rowling!

* * *

 **Chapter 9: Nurse is Such a Bitch**

After that, we walked into Nurse's office where we found Nurse. "Hey! Nurse!" I shouted to her. She turned around and ran over to us.

"Oh no!" It's bad child! You get stabbed again?"

I rolled my eyes. Nurse was so stupid. "No, Nurse. I need to know if I was here the entire time I was supposed to be."

Nurse scoffed, "How would I know? Do you think I just sit here and watch you sleep? No! I have a life!" and with that, she swept away.

What a bitch.

I grabbed James's sleeve to drag him out of Nurse's office, all the while, my head was spinning. If Nurse hadn't been watching me, then I must've actually done all of those things. In my sleep! I'm a sleepwalker!

I had to go to Dumbledore and turn myself in.

* * *

Note: Ummmm so I'm not really sure why being a sleepwalker is a big deal... It just came to me


	10. Chapter 10: A Scaly Situation

Note: I know, I know. This is a sorry excuse for a chapter. Not only is it absurdly short, but it's literally just a filler. Although, I suppose it will make the end of the next chapter more interesting...

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or anything relating to it.

* * *

 **Chapter 10: A Scaly Situation**

Just as I was about to march to the cafeteria, where everyone, including Mr. Dumbledore, was eating dinner, I felt something happening to my legs. They were about to change back into a mermaid tail! Oh no! I couldn't let James see my tail!

I jumped into the nearest closet.

"Um…Lily?" I heard James ask from outside the closet. The poor dunce sounded even more lost than usual.

"Just a minute!" I yelled back. I then quickly performed the spell that I had to enact every four hours, "Givo Legso!" I exited the closet a few moments later.

* * *

Note: Jeez, Lily is being so mean to James! "The poor dunce," honestly!

Hey. Did you like my spell? Did you? I did.


	11. Chapter 11: Confessions all Around

Note: ...This chapter really got away from me, and well, you'll see...

Disclaimer: I own Mimi, parts of this plot, and virtually nothing else. For more info, visit early chapters

* * *

 **Chapter 11: Confessions all Around**

Along the way to the Cafeteria, I explained to James what I had to do.

"No! Lily, you can't!" he exclaimed.

I shook my head sadly. "I'm sorry, James, but I have to."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but was hesitant to do so. At last, he stuttered out, "I- I love you, Lily."

I gasped. "I love you too, James!"

We smiled happily at each other until I realized that we had reached the cafeteria.

I had tears in my eyes as I walked up to Mr. Dumbledore. "Mr. Dumbledore," I began. "I have something to tell you."

Mr. Dumbledore looked down at me in surprise. "Why, whatever is it, child?" he asked me.

"Mr. Dumbledore… I'm a… slee…" but I was interrupted. It was… Severus Snape!

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he said. "It was me!"

I gasped.

"I stabbed and then impersonated you!"

I gasped again. "That's why you stole my hair," I realized.

"Yes," he replied. "I used it to make my wig."

"What? Why didn't you make polyjuice potion?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "That takes a month to make, bitch."

Mr. Dumbledore stood. "Well, Severus, what you have told me just now is extremely incriminating." And with that, Dumbledore whistled and a cop car burst through the front doors. An officer climbed out of the driver's seat and cuffed Snape's hands behind his back, before pulling him into the back seat.

As he was being taken away, Snape yelled, "I would've gotten away with it too! If it weren't for you meddling kids!"

I laughed. "Well, joke's on you because I'm not a kid; I'm a mermaid!" Oops.

James, who had joined me in the staff's eating area, laughed and put his hands on my shoulders. "We're all mermaids, Lily. That's why we go to _Hogwarts: School for Magical Mermaids._ "

* * *

Note: This chapter is straight up insanity. But did you like my twists? I bet you weren't expecting that. *chuckles maniacally*


	12. Chapter 12: Two Months Later

Note: The longest and final chapter! I'm astounded that I managed to upload this all in the span of like 5 days. That is sooo uncharacteristic of me.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is the queen of the universe, and I am but a lowly worshiper.

* * *

 **Chapter 12: Two Months Later**

These last few months have been really great. James and I are still dating and still in love, Mimi and I are closer than ever, Slughorn is dead, and I haven't been stabbed in the back since October!

It turns out that James and I make a really great team. The Christmas Ball was a huge success!

On the night of the ball, the entire castle was flooded so that we could enjoy Christmas in our true forms. It took Mimi and me four hours to get ready that night, but when we were done, we (or at least I) looked so beautiful that I thought I would die. After, we swam down to the cafeteria to meet our respectable dates. I was going with James, of course, but Mimi hadn't been able to find a date, though I don't know why. She's not that ugly. Anyways, I forced Peter to go with her because he's scared of me.

All of the tables in the cafeteria had been moved out of the room, and adorning the walls and ceiling were ocean/Christmas decorations.

All four Marauders were waiting for us when we swam in. I was angered. I tried to write James a note expressing that I was under the impression that it would be just the two of us, and I didn't want the others to hear me and feel sad, but it didn't work because we were underwater. The paper dissolved. Instead, I pulled him aside, and as I was about to start yelling, I noticed that the rest of his friends had followed us.

"Excuse me," I said forcefully.

Sirius simply waved it off, "It's fine. We all have gas."

I rolled my eyes. Sirius was so stupid. "No, Sirius. I didn't fart. I just want to talk to James. Alone.

Eventually they drifted about five feet away and I sighed. This was probably the best I would get. "James," I whispered. "I don't want them with us."

He nodded blankly. "Okay," he said, pulling a gun from behind his ear and shooting the other three marauders with it.

"What the fuck!?" I yelled.

James just laughed. "Relax, it's just a tranquilizer. They'll wake up in a few days."

As he said that, Nurse swam over and scooped up all three boys, hoisted them over her shoulder, and headed off in the direction of her office.

"Oh. Okay," I said.

Just then, Mimi swam over to us in tears. "Peter was my date but I just saw Nurse drag him away!" she wailed hysterically.

"Um… no," I said. "That was Peter's twin brother… Jiminy. Peter went that way," I said, pointing outside.

Mimi swam off looking for him and I rolled my eyes. Mimi was so stupid. Then I turned to James, who looked at me and amazement. "I didn't know Peter was a twin!"

I groaned and drifted over to the soggy, floating snacks.

When I came back, I saw James and Mimi making out! Ahhhhhh!

I smacked both of them in the face, crying. I then did the backstroke all the way out of the cafeteria, and as I was swimming away, I heard James yelling my name.

I ignored him.

I was almost to my dorm when… a potato sack enveloped my entire body! I struggled as hard as I could, but it was no use. I felt myself being pulled through the water, but I had no idea where I was being taken.

About an hour later, I was finally released. I found myself in… the dungeons! Snape was standing over me, smiling cruelly. I gasped. "How did you escape from prison?"

He laughed sadistically, "It is no matter! You will soon be dead! There can be only one Shinning Star Lily Dee Lemon. And it is me!"

As he prepared to stab me in the back for a third and final time, I grabbed his knife and stabbed him in the back with it. He died instantly.

I ran back up to the cafeteria where I found James. Upon noticing me, he shouted, "Lily! I'm so sorry! Mimi kissed me because she thought I was Jiminy! I love you! Marry me!"

I immediately forgot my traumatizing evening and said yes.

 **THE END**

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Note: So much drama, am I right? Okay, so in a bit, I will be uploading the sequel, Which Bride is Which. It takes place two years later and takes us through James and Lily's wedding and all of the lovely drama. I don't know if you've noticed, but I love drama. Thank you so much to the few that read this story, and feel free to join me in my sequel! Review please, by the way!


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